All genres of suspense, terror, and horror will be reviewed by Richard Gary. His address to send preview copies supplied upon request to rbf55@msn.com.
Every once in
a while, I get an itchin’ for some really, really tacky films, especially
during a pandemic when many of us have been at home way longer than one would
necessarily want. So, what better place to look than ones that combine both
“real” life horror machines, like sharks, and the supernatural? While the whole
shark fascination dates back at least to Jaws (1975) and the
popularity of the Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week” (starting in 1988), it was arguably
the Sharknado franchise (starting in 2013 and counting) that kicked off the
absurdity (meant as a compliment) level of mix-and-match sharks, and…
everything else.
These films below
are not ranked, but are listed in the order in which I watched them, all from
TubiTV. Note that my shark snark is truly meant to be fun and rib-poking with a
touch of stream of consciousness. I had just the right low-budget expectation
for these films, so I was not blindsided by anticipating a theatrical extravaganza
experience. After all, when it comes to the cheese level, there are times when
ya want melted brie on toast, and others, Cheez-Whiz on animal crackers. I
enjoyed these films for precisely what they are. The coming attractions for all
of them are at the bottom of the article.
Right off the bat, you can tell this is a grade-D
funfest in the so-bad-it’s-still-bad-yet-manages-to-be-fun-because-of-it way.
The acting in the intro is a sheer indication of it, not to mention the level
of CGI shark with glowing yellow eyes. And may I say, the shark is in a Tennessee-filmed
lake. Yep, not the salt-water ocean it depends on, but a fresh-water lake. Not
well researched or just don’t give a damn in a “Gilligan’s Island” sort of way?
Either one, I’m down for it. In the story, an evil nun imbues a shark with the
malevolence of Satan (one of the tag phrases for the film is “Satan has Jaws”).
Meanwhile, three young women who are totally unlikeable albeit attractive drive
to the lake, and one, Ali (Angela Kerecz) is attacked. Though bloody, there are
no punctures, and she is now also possessed by the shark devil, with big, sharp
teeth to attack at the right times. As one of the three, Channing Dodson does
pretty well in the acting department, but Madison Carney’s performance (I’m
specifically looking at the “whatever” scene on a park bench as an example) is
almost joyously painful. The film is a collection of set pieces more than
anything else, such as a psychic investigator who has a television show (Roni
Jonah, who as luck would have it has the ideal name for a story about a big
fish that swallows people) and becomes possessed by the demon, or the shark,
I’m not sure, but she gets to do an abbreviated version of the green pea soup
bit (Ali does the full one). Then there’s some sorority sister wannabes, a
mentally challenged woman obsessed with sharks, and a nice cameo by filmmaker James
Balsamo as a jogger. There is also a non-sequitur piece involving a seance in a
cemetery that doesn’t go anywhere. Many of them involve women in bikinis, or at
least swimsuits, if that is your thing. Funny, no nudity, though, and no gore
either, just syrup-looking blood. It takes a while before the priest (Bobby
Kerecz, hubby of Angela) comes into the picture other than in bits and pieces.
When he shows up, he gets to do the exorcist part of the title on Ali, tied to
a tree rather than a bed, in very inexperienced fashion and bad sound quality.
The coda of the film during the credits is two extended b-rolls that I believe
were intended to indicate a possible sequel, but as far as I know, that hasn’t
happened yet. Shame.
Ouija Shark Directed by Scott
Patrick (aka Brett Kelly) Say What Productions; Wild
Eye Releasing; MVD Entertainment
70 minutes, 2020 www.wildeyereleasing.com www.mvdb2b.com
As I have said before
in other reviews, while I do not believe in the supernatural as a reality, Ouija
boards unnerve me. I was given one once as a teen, tried it a couple of times
with no results, but still not only threw it away, but chopped it up with a
hatchet first. For this Canadian film (because of sharks in the Great Lakes?), tatted,
multiply face-pierced and bound in a cleavage-bearing bikini under her GOAT tee
(a bit of self-referencing, as the band’s music is used over the final
credits), Jill (Steph Goodwin) finds an odd spirit board at a beach that looks
like it was made from a piece of a wrecked ship. Joining with a group of women
after at a house, And what else is this bunch gonna do but use said board…though
I’m not sure where Jill managed to get an oversized heart-shaped planchette
(sans window), which was not found at the beach. This raises a
see-through albeit deadly ghostish shark that is not locked to water, and even
has a cougar-like growl. It flies through the air with the greatest of ease,
chasing down people (when female, they are in bikinis) in forests, or floating
above a pool. Last film I made comments about a shark in a lake, but here,
there isn’t even that. Yet, for a film that claims to cost less than US$300, it
still looks decent if implausible. But the body count is high with some cheesy
gore. The acting is mostly okay and the cast is definitely nice in the
eye-candy way (especially our original group, including Zoe Town, Robin Hodge, Christina
Roman, and Amy Osborne; wait, if this is a Canadian film, can I still use the
Oxford comma?), though Jill’s dad (John Migliore, who co-wrote the film) is as
wooden as a stake; but again, all part of the joy of the low-budget sea (or
floating above sea) creature experience. While daddy dearest consults a psychic
(Kylie Gough), Jill teams with a mysterious man with an echoey, otherworldly
voice (the director, Brett Kelly), in order to stop this ghost gnasher. Will
they succeed? Does it matter? Films like this tend to be for the fun journey,
not necessarily the destination. While technically not a comedy, per se,
there is a nice use of (intentional) humor in the dialogue here and there,
mostly as throwaway lines, but it livens it up a bit. I definitely smiled at
those parts, especially the coda piece tagged on the end, and the use of a
French word that was a wise and clever choice.
Virus Shark Directed by Mark
Polonia Polonia Brothers
Entertainment; SRS Cinema; MVD Entertainment
74 minutes, 2021 http://srscinema.com/home www.mvdb2b.com
This will be one of two shark films covered that was
directed by Shark… I mean Mark Polonia, who seems to have made a chunk of his
career on odd shark films, like Amityville Island (2020) and Noah’s
Shark (2021). According to IMDB, the budget for this one was $182, which
doesn’t seem realistic to me considering the amount of CGI, unless they didn’t
even budget for catering. It also makes total sense that someone would combine
the pandemic and sharks (or anything else). The disease here is called SHVID-1.
While there is no supernatural element present and it takes itself somewhat seriously,
I consider it odd enough to be on this list (again, a compliment). For this
story, sharks have been infected and their bites on humans has escalated to a
worldwide disaster, with cities burning and mass amounts of people dying,
perhaps even enough that the Red states acknowledge it this time. A group of
scientists are in a research lab under the ocean (?) to experiment on captured
infected sharks to try and find a cure. It looks like it was filmed in a sparse
office building where there is absolutely no signage on the cement block walls,
giving both a claustrophobic feel, and one of expansive space, thanks in part
to the staircases, where some scenes are shot. They are an odd bunch of randy
people, watched over by a single sociopathic macho security guard with bare
arms to show off the “guns,” Duke (Ken Van Sant, who has played this character
or versions of it before in such films as 2016’s Sharkenstein and Bigfoot
vs. Zombies, both directed by Polonia), who looks like he just stepped out
of Troma’s Surf Nazi’s Must Die (1987). There is an interesting mix of
Zoom type shots and groups together for filming during the pandemic; I’m
guessing the groups were filmed early on and the Zooming later in the year at
the height of Phase 1. For me, the biggest problem here is that it takes itself
too seriously, even with characters that are extremely stereotypical (again,
randy scientists who seem more interested in possible hook-ups than the cure).
The head of the team, Gregory McLandon (Titus Himmelberger, who has appeared in
a number of Polonia shark-related releases, looking quite a bit like Josh
Brolin in 2007’s Planet Terror). He definitely has more interest in a
past lover who is the group’s connection to the surface world gone to hell,
Shannon Muldoon (Sarah Duterte) than his job. The only scientists who actually
seems to give a care, and possibly close to a breakthrough, is Ann Satcher
(Natalie Himmelberger) and Kristi Parks (Jamie Morgan). Between backstabbing,
failing infrastructure, and the virus starting to spread in the close quarters
(reference, perhaps, to Poe’s short story, “Masque of the Red Death,” from 1842),
things get hairy, and zombie-like. I like that Polonia tends to use much of the
same cast in many of his films, giving some kind of consistency. That doesn’t
mean it is necessarily acted well, but as with the rest of the zeitgeist, it makes
it unintendedly funny in a good way. With all the mishigas, the story
really kicked in when the exposure under the sea takes hold and starts to
ravage the cast. Then there are the mutant blood-drinking “marauders.” So much
happening in such a short piece, it doesn’t get the chance to get boring. The
make-up is cheesy but not too bad for the budget. Overall, the film was time
well spent in silliness. In my humble opinion, I wish the Polonia brothers
would cut down a bit on their schedules and pay a bit more attention to one
film at a time, perhaps the overall quality would be improved from unintendedly
funny to perhaps so-bad-its-good (Mark released six films he directed in 2021, with
one more completed and two in post-production, for example). Either way, again,
it is worth the watch just for the audacity of it. Respect, brothers.
Director Ron Bonk has
not only directed a bunch of oddball films in general, like She Kills (2016)
and Clay (2007), but has also produced a number of shark films for other
people, such as the Polonia Brothers. Bonk runs SRS Cinema, so he has a
personal outlet. His own films tend to lean to the silly side, but with a sharp
snide of comedy that balances it out. Good stoner stuff, if I was into that. He
also seems to have a thing for weird facial hair either cut in exotic ways or
so fakey looking paste-ons one can’t help but laugh. In this case he relies on
the character of Abraham (Wes Reid) for that, who wears a fakey Lincoln kinda
beard and matching shock wig. For some reason, most of the characters are named
after US presidents and other historical figures, such as the main character Frank
Roosevelt (Trey Harrison, who was the also-weirdly mustachioed Dirk in She
Kills) whose wife is Lady Bird (Melissa LaMartina) and his son is Theo
(Nathan Bonk), the House Shark hunter Zachary Taylor (Michael Merchant), etc.,
including the shark. If that doesn’t indicate that this is a comedy, I don’t
know what will, but yeah, it’s well written if acted with heavy emoting at
times, and so far is the best of the shark films on this list. For the story,
Frank’s house has been invaded by a house shark (in land-locked Rochester, NY),
who obviously can move on land and make a gory and bloody mess. Frank is trying
to protect people but a shadowy real estate agency is aiming to sell it from
under him before it gets foreclosed by the bank. Hilarity, gratuitous nudity
and gore abound as Frank enlists Zachary and Abraham to plot ways to get rid of
this foul house-bound creature. There are lots of mash-ups thrown in, such as a
Star Wars reference with Darth Squanto (Wayne Johnson), Aliens (1986)
and a Tarantino-esque dialog about vending machines that could have come from Pulp
Fiction (1994). In Jaws (1975) terms, or Aw-jays in Pig Latin
as it is used in this film, each character fits a role, with ex-cop Frank in the
Brody role, researcher Zachary as Hooper, and gruff alcoholic Abraham filling
in for Quint, who gets to do a hysterical version of Quint’s navy story concerning
the Real Estate Parade of Houses. It is true that the film is a bit longer than
it needs to be, but it never drags, even with a fixation on things related to
the anus. Yet without the action, and there is a lot, especially in the second
half, the dialogue itself holds up; some by Abraham sounds ad libbed. I was impressed
with the pro-LGBQT stances scattered throughout and disappointed a bit by the
homophobic names. As a straight dude, I’m having trouble reading which way the
film leans, pro or con. With the use of audacious underwater filters, very
visible strings on objects to make them look like they are floating, and breath
holding for ridiculous amounts of time, the film reminds me a bit of LakeMichigan Monster(2020), which is a high compliment. Make sure to stick around until after the credits
for the coda. My big question, though, is as follows: since it takes place and
is filmed in Rochester, did anyone sneak a bit north to Irondequoit to visit
the House of Guitars (The HOG)?
Shark
Encounters of the Third Kind (aka Aliens vs. Sharks) Directed by Mark Polonia
Polonia Brothers
Entertainment; Wild Eye Releasing; MVD Entertainment
75 minutes, 2020 www.wildeyereleasing.com www.MVDb2b.com
The reason I saved
this one for last is that I am a fan of the screenwriter, John Oak Dalton (an
interview including about this film is HERE), who directed The Girl in the Crawlspace(2018) and Scarecrow County(2019) along with writing numerous screenplays for the Polonia Brothers. I will say
one thing for the Polonias, they certainly do like to make use of masks, including
this, the beforementioned Virus Shark, andThe Empire of the Apesfranchise
that started in 2013). Based in name only on two Steven Spielberg works, it would be foolish to
compare them, just on budget alone. The total cost of this is probably an infinitesimal
fraction of the salary of one of the stars of either earlier film. No, the
reason to watch this is to see what they can do for how little, the purposefully
cheese level, and the sheer absurdity and audacity of it all. And again, this
is a compliment. As Dalton said in that interview, “I like to try to make (my
films) funny, with a lot of nods to horror fandom, lots of energy and outlandish
situations and characters.” In that, he is utterly successful. The swimmer underwater
near the beginning alone speaks to that, and had me feeling joyous in its
visual and textual insanity. Polonia does well to mix stock footage and newly
shot ones – sometimes even combining them – to create an atmosphere that fools
no one, but puts the scene in appropriate context. And I haven’t even gotten to
the opening credits yet, which come in at the 9-minute mark. As for the crux of
the story, cleavage-bearing therapist Dr. Kay Radtke (Jennie Russo, who was so
good in She Kills, and looking so much better than she did in a cameo in
House Shark), who seems to only own one dress (yes, it’s that film budget
thing, but at least it accentuates) discovers a man’s shark bitten head on a
beach, which brings in square-jawed harbor patrol Alan Cason (Titus
Himmelberger, who has one of the best lines in the film based on John Carpenter’s
1988’s They Live) on the job. Radtke is now running her late group
sessions in Santa Monica for people who have been abducted, or believe they
have (of course they have in this context), including Camila and Nesbo (Natalie
Himmelberger and Steve Diasparra, respectively, both of whom, along with Titus
and others, are Polonia regulars, and all appeared in Virus Shark). Meanwhile,
there are treasure hunters looking for a U-Boat that was reportedly sunk in
1945 with escaping Nazis and gold (or was it an urban legend?). To finish the
trifecta, a pair of “greys” have taken their UFO and gone unda da wata, with
intentions unknown. All three parts of the story dance around each other, and
will eventually crash and smash into a single storyline, I have no doubt, as
they tend to do in the film world. Polonia and Dalton have very similar film
aesthetics as far as wanting to entertain the audience, and they have proven,
once again, in the schlockiest of ways (again, a compliment), they have the ability.
Just keep your expectations at a certain level, not expecting a MCU level
extravaganza, and you may just find yourself having some fun.
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